The Comedy of Julius Caesar: Part two

Act 3

Scene 1

(Crowd of people, including Soothsayer and Artemidorus; enter Caesar, Brutus, Casca, Decius Brutus, Metellus Cimber, Trebonius, Cinna, Antony, Lepidus, Popilius, and others. Caesar stops in front of Soothsayer)

Caesar: Check it out, I’m still alive, And it’s March 15th.

Soothsayer: True that, Dog. But today is the day that hasn’t quite ended since it started, ya dig?

Caesar: Shut up. Everyone shun him till he leaves.

(Shunning as Soothsayer leaves)

Artemidorus: Hey Caesar! I have a paper for you to read.

Decius: So do I, uh... and mine’s from Trebonius. His is more important.

Artemidorus: But mine is deeply personal to Caesar.

Caesar: Deeply personal means embarrassing!

(Caesar eats paper)

Popilius: (to Cassius) Good luck today, my friend.

(Chuckles demonically, then leaves, continuing chuckle, pulls Artemidorus with him)

Brutus: What was that about?

Cassius: I honestly have no idea.

Metellus: Hey Caesar...

Caesar: Just shut up now, Metellus. No one cares.

Metellus: You know what, Caesar?

(stabs Caesar, everyone else follows suit, Brutus last)

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: You’re still alive?

(stabs again, Caesar dies)

Cinna: Woo hoo! Caesar’s dead!

Brutus: This is the stuff they make plays out of, friends.

Antony: What have you guys done?!

Brutus: We killed Caesar, what does it look like?

Antony: … Okay, good job, guys, so long as I speak at his funeral.

Brutus: It’s a deal.

(Brutus and Antony bump knuckles, All exeunt)

Scene 2

(Antony and Brutus in front of a crowd in a street; in back of crowd is Poet, in crowd is Citizen)

Brutus: Attention, everyone! I suppose you are wondering why we killed Caesar.

Citizen: You bet your toga we are!

Brutus: Well, I’ll tell you why. Caesar was a good man, sure, but in the end, he was a politician, and was therefore a threat to our society. It was in everyone’s best interest, trust me.

Crowd: Woo hoo! Caesar is dead! Go Brutus!

Brutus: That’s what I thought. Antony has some things to say now. I’m gonna head home.

(Brutus leaves)

Antony: I feel that what I’m about to say is best expressed through song.

(singing)

Caesar was a real cool cat

There is no denying that

He put you all in his will

So the conspirators we should kill.

Crowd: Woo hoo! Antony! Let’s kill the conspirators!

(Citizen goes to Poet)

Citizen: No one likes poets!

(hits Poet, who falls to ground, exit all cheering)