Act 5
Scene 1
(Enter Brutus and Cassius, Antony and Octavius from other side)
Brutus: So you wanted to talk before fighting? Probably because you guys are terrible warriors.
Octavius: Oh burn.
Antony: They were insulting us. But it’s okay, we’re much better fighters than them, anyway.
Brutus: What?
Cassius: (Aside to Brutus) It’s okay, I got this.
(To Antony and Octavius) Oh yeah? Well you’re a bigger one!
Octavius: You can’t talk to us like that! To war!
(Exit all)
Scene 3
(Enter Cassius and Titinius)
Cassius:Why, Titinius? Why are our troops fleeing?
Titinius: It’s probably because we’re getting stomped.
(Enter PIndarus)
Pindarus: Run, Cassius! Antony’s army is gaining on us!
Cassius: Okay. Titinius, run ahead and see if the troops over there are friendly. Pindarus, go up the hill and see that everything’s okay.
Titinius and Pindarus: Yes sir.
(Exit Titinius and Pindarus)
Pindarus: (above) Okay, Titinius is on his way... Oh no! He’s being attacked! Men are coming up on him!
(Enter Pindarus)
They... they stabbed him.
Cassius: Really?! Come on, it’s my birthday!
Pindarus: Really? Happy birthday!
Cassius: That’s a really sucky birthday present, Titinius! And to think you were my best friend. Pindarus, I no longer wish to live. Could you kill me?
Pindarus: But it’s your birthday!
Cassius: Then that’s my birthday wish. You aren’t going to deny me that, are you?
Pindarus: No...
(Stabs Cassius)
Cassius: Caesar, today you are revenged. I hope you’re happy.
(Dies)
(Enter Titinius, with a sword in his side, and Messala)
Titinius: So the troops were friendly and-
(sees Cassius’ body)
what happened here!?
Pindarus: We had a birthday party.Cassius made a wish, but didn’t blow out any candles, and I had to kill him.
Messala: What rotten luck. we came to tell him that Brutus has defeated Octavius.
Pindarus: Umm... I’m gonna go now. I can’t handle Cassius’ blood on my hands.
(Exit Pindarus)
Titinius: Messala, go tell Brutus what happened.
Messala: okay.
(Exit Messala)
Titinius: Well, guess there’s nothing left to do.
(pulls out sword, stabs self, dies)
Scene 4
(Enter Brutus, Messala, Young Cato, and Lucilius)
Messala: Brutus, Cassius is dead.
Brutus: That is fine. We can still win this thing.
(Enter soldiers, begin to fight)
Brutus: We can’t win this thing!!
(Exit Brutus and Messala)
(Young Cato falls)
Lucilius: Cato nooooo!
Soldier 1: Surrender, sir.
Lucilius: Or, I could pay you to kill me, for it is I, Brutus, who would rather die than be taken.
Soldier 2: That sounded incredibly cheesy. Here comes Antony, tell him we’ve caught Brutus.
(Enter Antony)
Soldier 1: Sir, we have caught Brutus.
Antony: What? Where?
Lucilius: Listen here, Antony. You are not going to take Brutus alive. 10 dollars on it.
Antony: You guys do realize this isn’t Brutus, right?
Soldier 1: Yeah, most people don’t talk of themselves in third person. That made it a little obvious.
Antony: Then let’s pursue him.
(Exit all)
Scene 5
(Enter Brutus, Dardanius, Clitus, strato, and Volumnius)
Brutus: Welp, we’re through. Clitus, I have a favor to ask of you.
(whispers)
Clitus: No way!
Brutus: Then Dardanius, I have a favor to ask of you.
(whispers)
Dardanius: I don’t think so, man. Maybe some other time.
Brutus: Come on! One of you kill me. Please Volumnius. I see dead people.
Volumnius: Okay, that’s just weird. I’m out.
(Exit Volumnius, Dardanius, and Clitus)
Brutus: Strato, will you kill me?
Strato: No, but I will hold the sword while you run into it.
Brutus: Thanks, man. You’re the only loyal friend I ever had.
Strato: What about Caesar? You guys were besties until... you know...
Brutus: Just shut up and hold the sword.
(Brutus runs toward sword, misses)
(Brutus runs toward sword, misses, runs into Strato)
(Brutus runs into sword, dies)
(Enter Antony, Octavius, Messala, and Lucilius)
Messala: Strato, where is Brutus?
Strato: You are blind, my friend. He is dead, right here.
Lucilius: Woo hoo! I was right. Someone owes me 10 dollars.
Antony: Brutus, I feel I should honor your death with a song.
(singing)
Brutus was an honest Roman guy
He was cool, he was so fly
He looked for the best of good
It was for this, that he stood!
Octavius: How do you follow that? Brutus was indeed honorable, and deserves an honorable burial. I’m out. See you all tomorrow!
(Exit all; The End)
